Reality!

So, unfortunately there is no humor nor wonderful moments in this post. I just need to write/vent about my current feelings. I know that times are financially tough for lots of people right now and unfortunately we are to be included in that group. Dave hasn't had a stable earning job for almost 2 years and I'm almost in shock. I remember the feeling 2 years ago as the process was beginning and the intense feeling of fear I felt as I realized what could come, or more appropriately said, not come in the coming days, weeks, and months. I'll say one thing is for sure, at that time, I didn't think "years" was to be included in that last sentence. Was I ever wrong?

My parents have spoken occassionally of their "trying poor days" throughout my youth and I've listened attentively and amazed at the lessons they learned from their experiences as well as the things they had to do to survive. Most of the time my listening consisted of thoughts that left as quick as they came and included thoughts like, "Wow!" or "Really?"

The reason I bring this up now is because those same words pass through my mind each time we are faced with another obstacle in our quest to find a stable income. We just can't seem to catch a break and each time we think we will, something will happen that will lead me to say, "Wow!" "Really?" It's almost humorous. Well, really it becomes so because if I don't laugh, I'll just end up falling to the ground in monster tears like a 2 year old who didn't get the toy he wanted, but including the fear of a 2 year old who worries about the monster under their bed when they go to sleep. Serious fear! The kind of fear that you just don't understand until you really encounter it. Where will the money come from? Where and how will we find a job? How many times do we need to try a new job until we can find one that works? Why? When? How?

It may seem we are struggling with having faith and yes at times, we most definitely are. We're learning truly what faith means? I'm amazed at how I've learned that faith is not just believing that things will happen for you, but more importantly believing that somehow, homeless or not, we will be alright eternally no matter what happens to us temporally.

I know that people say, "Money doesn't bring happiness," but I also know that it makes it easier because without money, you must fight for happiness. It is a decision every single day to be happy for it would seem, what is there to be happy for? You have no idea how that bill will be paid, what you'll say to that bill collector when they call, how your children will be taken care of in their needs, or if your neighbors will kindly withhold judgement as they look at your dirt filled baren yard for the 3rd year.

I know these are not the kinds of things that an average post will contain, but at the moment, I am in reality and this is the raw truth of my reality! I've listened to so many people talk about how hard the pioneers had it traveling across the plains to Utah and seriously as I look back over the last 4 years of my life I feel like I might as well be on those plains. I do think they struggled, but I almost want to shout at the top of the mountains to all those that are suffering and say, "Yes, This is hard. It's really hard and just like the pioneers!" I know so many people struggling with life right now with not only finances, but also health, marriage, religion, family, etc. I am amazed at what seems a heightened level of difficulty in life for so many. I'm not sure if it's just that I'm more aware now than I was 4 or so years ago, but the last few years have really seem to hit a lot of people hard.

Honestly, I'm tired. I'm worried, and I'm struggling to find that smile, but, of course, I'll keep trying, I'll read my scriptures to give me that daily boost of faith and perserverance, but I just want myself to know when I read this journal entry years from now and hopefully read having forgotten how truly difficult this trial was; This is hard! There must be a wonderful place in the heavens above that going through this makes it all worth it, but for now, this is just my reality!