Sunday, February 28, 2010

Personality Dilemna

My family is very well educated in personality types. Growing up, we talked frequently of our personality colors and used our "codes" to explain, justify, understand, or even predict our behavior and personalities. To be brief according to these personality codes, we believe each of us has a primary motive and possibly a secondary one as well. Blues prefer intimacy, not physical, but relational. For example, they tend to be very caring, sensitive, and emotional people. Reds prefer control of their surroundings and tend to be thinkers, bold, detail oriented, and organized. Whites prefer peace and tend to be quiet, fearful, giving, and taken advantage of. Yellows prefer to have fun and tend to be carefree, energetic, flighty, and the life of the party!

I'm sure it only takes you seconds to realize I am Red, but what you may not know is that I am a very close secondary Blue. I was actually more Blue before I was married, but I married such a predomenant Blue that most of my Blue has gone into hiding. The point of this entire post is to express my frustration with my personality; Red Blue.

Do you get frustrated with who you are at times? Well, I most certainly do. I struggle with my personality all the time. Because of my deep Red personality I tend to choose to organize my surroundings, i.e. maintain control, over going out and just having fun. I have to actually make myself have fun sometimes. I know it sounds weird, but it's true. I am not normal. For example, while you are watching your favorite Jane Eyre movie, I am organizing my spice drawer (which I will post about another time because it is now the highlight of my kitchen.) Or, the real root of this post, since I am first Red, second Blue, I occassionaly spout off my mouth in a Red fashion and then seconds later with my Blue side, recognize the very possible offensive comment and tone I have just naively used. Immediately after this and for many hours to come, I feel regret, frustration, and embarrassment. I hate that I can so easily offend people with such abrasive and sharp words and actions and not even realize it until after it's already done. Hence, this post!!!

It reminds me of one of my favorite movies; "You've Got Mail!" Meg Ryan talks previously with her email buddy about how she wishes she could use more "zingers" or in other words, be more Red.

The truth is I have this gift already, except mine usually comes across as just meanness. Notice how she feels after she is able to say what she thought she would always want to say in her zinger. She feels sad.

Last night, at a large gathering I attended, I felt this sadness since I fear I may have offended others and have had a hard time relaxing ever since because first and foremost I am more worried about the relationships that may suffer as well as the hurt I may have caused. Specifics aren't realy important. I just felt like venting and asking the universe, "Why do I do these things?" I try to control myself and surprisingly to others I actually do control a lot of it, but there always seems to be a little peep hole where some of my offensive personality just leaks out! I hate that part of my personality. I know there are many positives to my personality, but I sure do get frustrated with my weaknesses, as I'm sure do many others. Regardless, I'll keep trying, but please keep forgiving!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Wedding Bliss....almost 9 years later.

This coming June, Dave and I will have been married for 9 years. It's been a wonderful 9 years full of great memories, well, except one, that is. The lovely experience of losing my body through the creation of 4 wonderful children. I don't regret the children, but I do loathe the weight loss associated with such creations. Well, last year when I gave birth to Bevan, I decided I had had enough of accepting my "mommy" body and was going to set a year long goal to open a new chapter in my life. My goal was to lose enough weight to regain my pre-mommy body back or in other words be able to fit into my wedding dress again by Bevan's 1 year old birthday, January 29, 2009.

I knew this was a great task because it meant I would really have to kick up my workouts a notch or two or three as well as watch my eating and sugar cravings all the while being a supportive wife and loving mother. I'll admit, it was very hard! Very hard! I had to rise very early and find a desire from deep within, but I did it! I still can't believe it! I have so many loving family members and friends that helped me along the way and I am so grateful for this change in my life. I feel wonderful!

The first time I've been able to get my wedding dress on since having my 4 beautiful children. What a moment! Dave just laughed at me as I walked around the house, saying, "I'm a princess!" "I did it!"

Halen, my 7 year old, also loved seeing my wedding dress 0n and wanted to join in on the fun with her own white dress-up dress. Here we are together, princesses on parade!

What a glorious moment! It is such a wonderful thing to have achieved a goal when so often my goals are unachieved! For example, notice the Christmas Tree still up in the end of January? Gotta love it! That, however, is just reality, but regardless, I'm going to dwell in this wedding bliss for a moment, or two, or three.......